I don’t have much to say. Since I got the job at The Grill last Thursday, I’ve barely thought about anything else.

I guess I could start by saying that “I got a job!”

But the truth is, that as I write this, excitement and gratitude are not really at the forefront of my mind (although they really should be. God answered my prayers and at the beginning of next month, we’ll have our very own earned-Euros). Unfortunately today though, I’m not in the mood.

Maybe it’s because I really longed to have my family stop by and surprise me at my new place of work. They would have sat down together and had a meal there just to see me doing something. I know that they would do that. I know that they’d congratulate me, that my grandfather would take my hand and squeeze it when he did. I know that my dad would have put a big tip in the tip jar just to show his support — not just for me but to show everyone that he cares. I know my brother would probably make fun of me for something and my dad wold tell him to stop, even though I know that that’s just Gabriel’s way of saying he loves me. I missed them a lot on my first day. Every now and again I found myself looking at the crowds of people walking past and expecting them to be there. I had to keep reminding myself that I’m not in South Africa anymore. There is no one coming to support me.

Or maybe it’s not that at all. Maybe it’s the ache in my ankles from two full days of being on my feet in really uncomfortable shoes. I’m seriously not used to this anymore. I used to work in a restaurant. Back in 2019. I was a hostess and the hours were the same (although I rarely worked more than once a week). Working at a restaurant again tries to put me back in the time of my life. I remember starting there, much the same as at The Grill where I walked in with my CV and got asked to do a trial day and then began. Working there changed my life, and it saw my life change.

When I started I was at the end of my first year of University and I was hating my degree. I had very few friends (none of them at uni) and I took on the job to try and get out of my head about how sucky life was. I wanted a reason to get up besides university. And it worked. But it also did more than that. It gave me a new perspective on people. You know, the people we so easily ignore? The people we tend to be okay shouting or having a go at. The people we think of nothing more than simple servants of our luxury?

Over my 14 months working there, I learnt a lot about people. I learnt about how absolutely everybody has something going on in their lives. I learnt that mean people just need a little more trying in order to appreciate your kindness. I learnt that people with little bits of power like to make other people feel small. I learnt that all old people want is to be noticed. And I learnt that you really can get along with anyone, from any walks of life, if you’re willing.

It wasn’t easy work and it obviously didn’t pay well, but I enjoyed those years for what it taught me. I’ll forever be grateful for that.

And I guess I’m hoping for that here too. I’m hoping to step back to 2019 Cheylin, who had her life together, who was in a new and loving relationship, who was working hard and nearly able to be independent, who was beginning to like herself physically. I just wish I could jump back.

I really thought I was over my pre-covid longings, that I had finally accepted that the last year of my life didn’t go the way I had wished.

But I suppose this journey is allowed to be a rewrite. It’s allowed to be a fresh re-start. As I got to saying last year, maybe we’re allowed to start again. But start again from where we are. Not a new start, a re-start.

Working at The Grill has been fun. I really like the idea of being a part of something bigger. Perhaps that is what draws me to film so strongly. Being a small piece in a very large puzzle. Working alongside a group of people who all have the same goal.

The last restaurant was a single restaurant and we never had any team meetings or anything like that. Over the course of 14 months, everything was exactly the same as it was before. Not even my uniform changed when everyone else’s did. Here, there is room to grow. Ways to measure our “success”, namely: getting more hours, getting an increase, being named a sort of “employee of the month”, perhaps even getting a promotion. These are all very exciting prospects and give me something to work towards. I just have to keep my head on — my goal is not to become manager at The Grill . My goal is something else. What that something else is, I’m not so sure right now. I’m at the beginning again, I’m allowed to take some time to decide.

Thanks again for reading.
With love, from Dublin
Cheylin